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tales from a fangirl
Epiphany! 
15th-Apr-2011 08:20 pm
crap
Not the episode!



Okay, so this is a little out of left field because I don't usually discuss things like this - though, because of my work, I am usually thinking about it - but I felt it was important to post. Even though someone, somewhere, has probably made this connection before. More than once. But I arrived at it all on my own, so I'm proud. And I don't think I would have ever given it a second thought if I hadn't spent most of the last six years in fandom.

LJ is so good for educating people who never went to college, LOL.

Anyway, my co-worker, S, and I were discussing being in elementary school and being relentlessly teased and/or tortured by boys. I was telling her about being hit by a boy and being pushed and had rocks dropped on my foot by them. She was telling me her stories too, and how our parents would always say "he pulls your hair and pushes you down because he likes you". And while I was saying the words, it just hit me that, omg, this is why women tend to believe their abusers love them. I mean, it's not the WHOLE reason, but it contributes. If we're telling our daughters when they're eight and nine years old that the boys in school are mean to them because they like them but don't know how to express it, we're possibly conditioning them - in their teens and older - to believe that the boys who restrain them and hit them and kick them and worse, are doing it because they really care about them.

Ugh. I was just telling my daughter the other day that a boy at school who was mean to her probably likes her.

Now I want to wash my mouth out with soap because omg, why is it okay for me to excuse that boy's behavior in such a way? The fact that he likes her should be incidental to the fact that he's being mean to her.

Well, lesson learned.

Comments 
16th-Apr-2011 03:30 am (UTC)
Now that is an interesting observation. I also found that the whole romantic trope that the love of a good woman can save/rehabilitate a man can play into it.
16th-Apr-2011 03:35 am (UTC)
For sure there's a lot of other things at work in conditioning girls to believe in "love will save that bad boy". But this is one thing, at least, that is easily correctable if more parents, like me, didn't brush off our daughters' complaints about that boy who is mean to them.

The trope that your love will save that doomed leather-clad-hunk-of-a-thing works quite well in fiction but for the real world, I need to be more careful about what comes out of my mouth.
(Deleted comment)
17th-Apr-2011 12:28 am (UTC)
I think it can contribute. Thanks. :)
16th-Apr-2011 10:04 pm (UTC)
The only kids who were mean to me and/or tried to beat me up were girls. Does that mean my whole elementary school was filled with tiny lesbians? Hmmm...maybe I should rethink my sexual preference. Maybe I'm putting out this lesbian vibe and have been repressing it all these years?
17th-Apr-2011 12:29 am (UTC)
Stinker.
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