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tales from a fangirl
fic posting, the second 
24th-Nov-2006 02:27 pm
Here's the second part. I hope it follows in the same vein as part 1 because I have no plan for this story at all. I stayed up til 5 a.m. writing three pages, got up later in the morning and drank some coffee, read what I wrote, then deleted everything and started over. It's not long, but I got nothin' left right now but the urge to go out and do some shopping.

Title: Pandora (2/?)
Rating: Adults only please.
Pairing: C/A
Summary: Mutual obsession and need come to a head when Cordelia discovers Angel’s sketchbook.
Category: Dark
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, though I’d give Lindsey’s right hand and Xander’s left eye if they were.


He waits a moment and then lets her go, stepping back and going around her. She turns, keeping her back to the door, and stares at the stiff lines of his body as he seats himself in his chair.

There is a cool rush of wind through her body as she waits.

“Angel, talk to me.”

He peers up into her questioning eyes.

“Have you already made up your mind?”

She shakes her head slightly, not taking her gaze off him.

“Not really capable of higher thinking at the moment. Blind panic, on the other hand, is a distinct possibility.”

He nods, and leans back against the wing backed cushion, eyes on her face.

She wants to tell him he’s not making it better, but when he looks at her like that, she loses the thread of her thoughts, forgets her outrage, her shame, forgets everything but the urge to take his hurt from him. She is suddenly, frighteningly aware of how deep the water is around her head, and staves off the panic by focusing on him.

She goes to the edge of his bed and sits, aware that she’s already making a choice.

“Tell me, talk to me.” She keeps her voice soft, willing him to tell her something she can live with, something to replace the dysfunction their friendship has sunk into in the last few minutes.

“When you’re having a vision, Cordelia, it scares me.”

The soft tone of his voice has the hushed quality of a confessional, and for a moment, sitting in the half darkness of Angel’s bedroom, the scent of incense smoke is heavy in her lungs.

She rubs at the tattoo on the inside of her left wrist, waiting for him to go on.

“You’re convulsing so much, and your eyes will roll into the back of your head and I’m trying to hold onto your body to keep you from hurting yourself.”

She remembers his arms around her, keeping her anchored, keeping her safe, and doesn’t tell him how many times she wished he would squeeze harder, make it hurt so she knew she wasn’t dying.

“But,” he pauses for a moment, chin buried in his chest. “There’s another part of me that loves your pain.”

He glances over watches her with shame in his eyes, and she has to stop herself from reacting, but she can’t stop the way her heartbeat picks up, surging hard at his words.

"I'm not a man, Cordelia, I'm a vampire and the demon craves the agony that you go through. Every time you see something I can't, I want to know what you feel, what you see."

“Angel-“she falters, not knowing what to say.

“I can’t tell you I don’t want the things I drew.” He gets up and crosses over to her, kneeling in front of her clasped knees. “I can’t even tell you that I won’t ever hurt you or that I don’t want to hurt you, but-“

He stops and she waits for more, but realizes that there really isn’t anything more to add, no reassurances or promises, just his confession that she forced by violating his trust. She brings her right hand up and cups the side of his cheek, just under his ear, thumb soft over the stubble that grows over his jaw.

His face is raw with need and fear, and she knows he’s afraid she’ll get up and leave, reject him for being what he is.

“Angel.” She whispers his name because it’s still her safe word, and leans down and touches her mouth to his.

He tries to pull back but she won’t let him, using both hands on the sides of his head to bring him forward, deepening the kiss but he yanks his mouth away just as quickly, to the side, and her lips drag across his cheek.

She stops and presses the spot, arms around his shoulders, holding him, giving him the absolution of her touch.

She can feel him shudder against her, mouth against the bare flesh of her shoulder and though his touch is cold, it burns all the way through her.

Then the burn reaches up through the back of her skull and suddenly she is thrown out of her body and into a vision of hell -

Mirrors within mirrors and she’s dizzy with pain, the world spinning in sickening circles, her brain frying with heat and blood

she realizes that someone is screaming Angel’s name but she can’t connect to the voice at all, and just holds onto the rock holding onto her, watching Angel take her blood as she shudders on the bed, dying, his eyes gold with lust and grief and even now she wants to comfort and hold and then nothing but pain and pain and hot, scalding pain….

is thrown back up and screams once, her throat closing in.


Angel is staring down at her and she realizes he is pressing her into his bed, palm cupped to her forehead, forcing her head back so that her throat is arched tight.

She struggles then, wanting out of his hold before she throws up, rolling off the bed when he releases her and stumbling over to the door.

He makes to follow her -

“No, don’t, please-“

Lurching through the door, she runs away.

She still feels his hard cock pressed between her legs, the way her thighs clenched his hips closer as she watched him take her blood, the rushing intensity when she finally came, thrashing in the throes of her vision.

He killed her, and she orgasmed as she died.


25th-Nov-2006 12:54 am (UTC)
I never good at giving feedback when the story is as great as yours. You need to give me something to nitpick here. LOL

The characterization is so spot on and I have said it once, I will say it a million times, you have SUCH a skill with language. It paints such a vivid picture. I can see it unfolding in my mind's eye.

I can't wait for the next part.
25th-Nov-2006 07:58 pm (UTC)
I wasn't sure the characters were sounding like themselves. I changed Angel's lines about twenty times in a row, so I'm very glad that it came out okay. Thanks, and thanks for saying there's nothing to nitpick. I would love to know if something's not working, so I'm glad someone's looking.:P
25th-Nov-2006 01:42 am (UTC)
Oh, man.


You decided to end my day on an mazing note? You are something else -- and so is this fic. There's so much to adore here, especially the church!kink, which is sumptuous and raw and gorgeous. I love your language.

“Angel.” She whispers his name because it’s still her safe word... that slayed me. Just slayed me.

And Angel is so tortured and wanton here. Beautiful.

What a day, what a day!
25th-Nov-2006 08:05 pm (UTC)
The safe word line was my favorite line & I was so hoping you would notice it, and whee! You did! ::humps yer leg in joy::

Thank you for liking this!

25th-Nov-2006 01:56 am (UTC)
One of the things that gets hard about writing the same characters again and again is keeping them fresh, especially the descriptions of the common elements. For me, describing visions (showing, not telling) became a downright pain in the arse, which is why I always appreciate it when someone does an excellent job of it:

"Then the burn reaches up through the back of her skull and suddenly she is thrown out of her body and into a vision of hell - "

Clean, concise, and beautifully done.

And gyah, what an ending! Can't wait for the next round!
25th-Nov-2006 08:08 pm (UTC)
You are one of the best C/A writers out there Kel, and nothing you wrote was repetitius. In fact, if you cared to repeat variations of a theme, let me throw Beacon and Storm Front atcha and you can 'bore' me over and over again. Really. I'd hate that.

But I *love* you.
25th-Nov-2006 07:02 am (UTC)
*thud* That is all.

Okay, not really. That was scary, dude. And that last line killed me. I hope the next part is needling its way up your spine and into your brain because I need a fic fix!
25th-Nov-2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
You have no idea how much it means that you are liking this fic. I know you prefer something lighter so I feel like I'm doing something really right if you are reading it. Thank you and thank you for the icons requests you gallantly fill for me. If there's another one, I promise, it won't be so wordy!:D
25th-Nov-2006 01:02 pm (UTC)
Woah, I so didn't expect it to go that way. It's getting so dark and dangerous. The thrill is so much there. I love it!

I've wanted to ask you something. Your title, is it Pandora as in Anne Rice's Pandora or just something you liked?
25th-Nov-2006 08:23 pm (UTC)
I chose Pandora because when Cordelia opened Angel's sketchbook, she found out something about him and his inner self and what he thinks about her that she can't ever not know. So it's like Pandora - she opened a box and let sin into the world.

I never read Pandora by Anne Rice. I read the Lestat books up until Memnoch -that was the book that stopped holding my attention. And I read the first two books of the Mayfair Witches.
25th-Nov-2006 08:25 pm (UTC)
Crap, I forgot to say thank you for liking the fic. This, I think, is the darkest I've ever gone and I'm enjoying myself a lot in between agonizing over it so I'm verra happy you're liking it too. Brace yourself, sweetie, it'll get darker.
27th-Nov-2006 04:54 pm (UTC)
Then I say thank you for writing. :D

I've only read Pandora from Anne Rice. Wasn't bad but I don't remember that much, so...

Even darker -- can't wait for that.
25th-Nov-2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, that last line is so chilling. I'm loving this so far! So many lines in this just touched me to the bone, particularly:

The soft tone of his voice has the hushed quality of a confessional.. just caters to my church!kink.

And: She is suddenly, frighteningly aware of how deep the water is around her head... What a lovely description of panic, so similar to drowning.

You write Cordelia and Angel so well, particularly in dark circumstances such as this one. A lot of times Cordy/Angel is written in a much lighter tone; it's refreshing to see this kind of spin on them. And your use of the vision/orgasm parallel is just fantastic. Hey, looks like I'm a perv too!
25th-Nov-2006 08:30 pm (UTC)
I've been dying to write orgasm/vision parallels for a looong time. Hee! Thank God for pervs. There should be, like, a play. Oh, wait. Thats why we have the interwebs.

I will not only cater to your church!kink, I will provide drinks and desserts as well. Those lines are some of my reworked ones, glad they stood out.

I would love to write lighter C/A and I think I came close with The Vampire, The Doctor...etc. but ::shakes head:: I don't know, they always veer off to the darkside within a few paragraphs so I guess that's my strength. So, so glad you're liking it!:D
25th-Nov-2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
:waggles eyebrows: Is it time for Part 3 yet?
25th-Nov-2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
I love that icon. I haven't seen DB in a church scene since Ats s2. I wonder if the Bones people know this, and exploit it shamelessly.

I'm sort of in the 'baking' stage of the third one, which is to say I've one idea. Heh. It, funny enough, involves a church scene.

::damns myself to hell::
27th-Nov-2006 06:44 am (UTC)
This chapter left me shaken. Gonna have to read it ovr a few times, as you kinda blindsided me, lol.

From the edning of the last, to him seeming to deflate at the beginning here... pulling away from her kiss... made me wonder if its only the visions that draw him, and not Cordelia.

I know I'm wrong right off: You are too filled with the C/A love,lol, so I will follow where you take me and put my lack of coherency in reading/feeding down to being short on sleep and rushing to grab the goodies before a week of self-imposed study.

27th-Nov-2006 07:37 am (UTC)
Cali, you know me, I'd marry C/A if I could. Or, at the very least, have its babies. I'd never write anything to refute my ship.

You're concerned because he pulled away from her kiss. Don't be. When he shook against her shoulder, that was from wanting her and denying it. He's ashamed of his admission, and that's why he resisted it, because he didn't feel worthy of her right then.
10th-Dec-2006 02:46 am (UTC)
Ooh, this is phenomenal. As always ;o) I love how you've so successfully juxtaposed two elements of relationship and character - the darkness that so solidly lies between them and Cordelia's blind, unflinching trust and desire to console the most important person in her life. Angel's deepest, darkest, creepiest desires and then his need to pull away and protect her from the demon beneath the surface.

So, SO very good. Post more please? :o)
10th-Dec-2006 04:40 am (UTC)
Thank you! You pretty much said all I'd hoped I'd get across with this. The second part was harder to write than I thought, I was so afraid I'd fall through the cracks trying to walk the line.

My biggest Angel/Cordy kink is their mutual dependency on each other - though it could be healthy (she lightens him up) I love to explore the darkside of that, and Pandora is one of my better efforts. Thanks for liking it and commenting.
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